Day 241: Things Happen In A Year.

When I began this project, I thought I knew exactly what would happen this year. I’m a planner. I make lists and spreadsheets. But things have gotten in the way of my best intentions and immaculately well-laid plans. I’ve lost a family member that I loved dearly. I’ve gotten sick. I’ve been injured. I’ve had surgery. I didn’t plan on any of this.

Things happen in a year.

Fella and I are no longer engaged.

This isn’t easy to share. We have ended our relationship after two years, which were mostly wonderful. We were happy together for a long time, but the relationship eventually just died. No one did anything wrong. No one is at fault. Fella is an amazing person, and I wish nothing less than the most life has to offer him.

Today I went back to our old apartment to grab what was absolutely necessary to take to my friend’s house where I’m staying until I find a new place. This was surreal and heartbreaking. It’s odd how the most important thing I had to grab was my sewing machine. As I walked in the door, I was greeted by a series of nasty knocks. Knock #1 was seeing the sweet cat that Fella and I picked out at the shelter that was no longer mine. Knock #2 was seeing all the art I had collected on the walls that I had painstakingly painted, as well as all sorts of other things that I couldn’t even take away with me, as I had nowhere to put it. I picked up a wine glass (1 of 100) that we had printed with our names and our wedding date. I threw it in the garbage. I immediately felt guilty and placed it delicately into the recycling bin instead.

I’m not getting married anymore.

I have no place for my things.

I have no home.

I sat on what used to be our sofa drinking what was still was my beer out of what I think will end up being my pint glass. It felt weird. I felt like an interloper. Like I shouldn’t be there anymore. And I left.

I didn’t want to continue the blog. I felt sad, drained, and tired. Fortunately, I have wonderful friends that won’t let me quit. Erin and Ken helped me carry my sewing stuff into their house and set up a temporary sewing studio in their office. They let me be alone when I just couldn’t be sociable. They didn’t even judge me when I ate a dinner comprised entirely of cookies and wine.

I didn’t have the heart to refashion anything for myself today, so I asked Erin and Ken if they had anything they’d like me to redo for them. Erin pulled out this dress: